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Steph Robinson: Steph's Story

[An excerpt from her book in progress, as of 2007. See also Information on Re-publishing.]

*Jane took hold of my hand again, ‘please Steve, I don’t want to hurt you,

but we can’t, I mean the kids and I can’t live like this, please’. Dr Carter leant forward and clasped his hands together. ‘Steve, put it like this, you can go with Joan on your own accord, or we can arrange to have you sectioned’. ‘Err, excuse me, did you say sectioned, what do you think I am some nutcase or what’? At that point I wanted to punch his lights out. ‘It’s up to you Steve, the easy way or not. Understand this we just want to help you, you may not think this now, but we do.’ I turned to Joan who was shaking her head in agreement. ‘Okay, I’ll go, whatever! I now could not care less. ‘ It’s settled then, if you would like to make your way to the waiting room, I will make the necessary arrangements’..............*.

*.........The journey to Hospital took around forty minutes, but to me it made no difference how long. A this point I had never felt so alone and scared. Oh, Joan rambled on and on, but I wasn’t listening. I wondered what fun and games lied ahead. Had I known, I would never ever of agreed, they would have had to drag me kicking and screaming all the way. My worst nightmare was about to start.

As we drove up a large sweeping drive towards the hospital reception, I noticed how vast the grounds were with perfectly manicured lawns and flowers of all colours. Somehow the flowers appeared particularly bright. Maybe it would not be so bad here for a while after all as my electronic exams were only six days away, if I behave myself, surly I would be out in time to take my exams. I had worked so hard for them and it was the one thing that I held onto in amongst all this confusion.

Jane continued to talk to me as we entered the reception area. However, I just withdrew further and further into myself. As we sat down and waited I noticed how old and run down this place was. It was obviously Victorian with high ceilings and large cold rooms, despite the fact it was a warm and hazy day the sunlight seemed to fade into the distance within these rooms.

I started to get very anxious and did not like all this waiting. There were doctors and nurses all over the place, but still no one spoke to us or even acknowledge us. Then all of a sudden I noticed a young girl walking straight towards us; she was very pale and had long auburn hair and lifeless eyes. She was clutching a small black bible close to her chest and mumbling something. At first I didn’t take any notice of her or her mumblings, until when without warning she stood right in front of Joan and I dropped her bible and proceeded to take all her clothes off. Giving my problem with my sex drive you would have thought that my old friend wills would have stood to attention, but I was in complete shock and wondered what sort of place this was.

Then still naked, she bent down to pick her bible up and rubbed it all over her body, crying and shouting at the same time. ‘See, see, God I am clean, I am clean, can’t you see I am clean. Horrified I looked away. Then a male nurse came up to her and told her that God knew she was clean and to put her dress back on, then he gently led her away. Before either Joan or I had time to comment we were quickly hurried into a small office. Everything was sparse about this place, paint peeling of the walls that hadn’t seen the light of day for God knows how long. Even the pot plants on the window sills looked like they needed life breathing into them. The whole place had an eerie feel and did nothing to make me feel this was a place where I could get some answers, let alone help............*

Authors comments:

"It was a time when my very soul wanted to tear away from my phsyical body and go back to the seat of God where warmth, love, beauty and honesty dwell with Son Father and Holy Spirit. A Time when faith and survival itself was to be severely challenged and the vision of those either side of me fell away leaving only me standing". The most challenging thoughts were that of evil and revenge and putting down of others who contributed to my demise."